Friday, November 6, 2009

Talking and Listening

I had a nice talk with one of my coworkers, Pat, this morning. He was very helpful in getting me through the day on Wednesday until the manager got out of a meeting and I could get permission to leave early. As we were talking today, it occurred to me that my friendship with Pat is very similar to my friendship with Monty.

Pat knows the facts but not the details. He said he doesn't need to know and he doesn't want to know. It's in my best interest to not give details anyway for various reasons, and I don't. Besides, if people are willing to help me, I don't need them to react the way that my roommates did.

So, he reminded me that I could talk to him about things and that it was ok to be upset when I learned that Monty was suddenly very out of reach. He told me I have to give myself time to grieve over it, to feel it before I can move forward. Other friends didn't understand this.

Just last weekend, I spoke with another dear friend. There were actually two people there, one of them left me alone when I said I didn't need anything and the other didn't. We had just celebrated the new year in my faith, and I was focusing on how much I took Monty for granted while he was here. My friend reminded me that it was ok to do so, because everyone does, and that I'm ahead of most because I realized that and can make an effort to not do it.

I've found that I get more support from people who don't know details. Perhaps because it's easier for them to not get caught up on the crime and realize it is me they are supporting. Maybe it's that most of those who know (and it's not many) can't help but feel that, by helping me, they are helping Monty by proxy. Not everyone who knows all the facts does this either. So, there are times when I feel very alone, and there are times when I'm dumbfounded by the people who appear out of no where to help me.

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