Sunday, June 14, 2009

New Knowledge

I am supposed to visit Monty in a few days. He's hoping to get drunk, which I just won't do, but promised I can pretend pretty well.

Since reading that press release, knowing the extent of the crime, one thought repeatedly plays in my mind: my friend is a monster.

Earlier in the week, I was finding stores of sympathy. It surprised me, but it gave me the strength to support him as he needs (within my limits, of course). I've lost them.

Despite this truth, I'm reluctant to end my part in this. If I didn't know why I've been offering my support before, I really don't know why now. I said earlier I would be guiltless if I got new knowledge and decided to write him off then. This is proving to be inaccurate. I don't know why it is.

"Ignorance is bliss" has never been truer. I was happier not knowing. I mean, I knew, but I didn't know the magnitude of it. I found compassion in not knowing, mercy in the truth without the details. It's gone. Disgust is in its place. Disgust and anger and a deeper understanding for all of those people who already stepped away.

And still, I cannot join them.

The plight, now, has a new level of complexity. I know I will stay, and try to be supportive. I think I'm a hypocrit. I'm not hoping for the minimum sentence, nor am I wishing for the maximum. I find I'm not thinking about that at all. It's just a non-issue. No amount of time he serves will be enough, so he gets what he gets.

But, do I tell him that I read the press release? It might open discussion, which I honestly don't want to do. It may change how I behave around him. Simply knowing what I know may do that. On one hand, I'm glad I read it. If I do go to the sentencing in September, I won't be shocked if the judge details the charges. On the other hand, that makes September seem very far away.

I think I'm going to have to lie by omission to get through it. And I don't know if I can. And I don't know why I want to at all.

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